*Warning: The following post includes explicit language as well as themes of sexual assault. Reader discretion is advised.

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I was 18 and in high school. My mother just had surgery and needed help making ends meet. I’ve always been a beautiful girl in other people’s eyes, so for the first time ever I used what I had and asked her if I could dance. She said YES! We went as far as shopping together and hid it from the world and our family.

One night I went out with a friend, and ran into a guy I previously had a bad encounter with (he had sent me dick pictures and asked me if he could pimp me). I had exposed him. That night, he saw me and remembered me. He grabbed me by my hair and threatened me. I reminded him exactly where he was and that my family was in the club, he quickly let me go. Later that night, I had a drink sent to me and of course, I just drank it.

Later on that night, my friend asked me to dance with her, and I couldn’t move at all!! She helped me up and was walking me to the door. The next thing, and only thing I remember, is being snatched up in the air and my friend’s keys hit the floor. She screamed “PUT MY BITCH DOWN!”

The next morning, I woke up beat up with that guy. He threatened me so I wouldn’t leave while he went to church with his mom (I KNOW, RIGHT…CHURCH!!!). So of course, I call my boyfriend at the time and he came to pick me up. I was so beat up I had to tell him I couldn’t go home and let my mom see me like this. I went back a week later, told her and moved in with my father.

Three months later I found out I was pregnant. I wasn’t sexually active at all before that night so I knew it was his. At first, I didn’t want to keep the baby, but I don’t believe in abortion so I kept him. My mother mentioned adoption to me. I wanted to keep my baby, but when I met the potential adoptive parents, they promised pictures, trips to visit, and other lies to complete their perfect family.

My mother was very against me keeping him, but I know for a fact she was more worried about the money we were getting for giving him up for adoption. I had him in December. On that day I met my first love and he meant the world to me instantly. They gave me nine days with him and on the ninth day I had to sign him over.

The hospital staff talked to me every day and told me just HOW I was with him there, they knew I would be a great mother and told me if I didn’t want to do it I shouldn’t and they showed me so much support. The 8th day I told a nurse that I had decided to keep my beautiful little boy because I was so in love with him. Well she told another nurse, not knowing I hadn’t told my mom yet. The nurse walked in and said, “I heard the great news! I know you’re going to be a great mother!” and my mother was right there.

She argued and just put me down, so I sat in the rest area for mothers and just stared at my baby until they came and got us. I was shaking and crying so badly signing those papers my mother had to physically take my baby from me. The adoption agency looked at me and asked me if I was sure I could do this, I looked over at my mom and looked down at my baby. My mother always told me if I didn’t do it she would lose her job because ironically the family was related to the woman who told her about me giving him up for adoption.

So I chose to still sign so I wouldn’t lose my mother and she wouldn’t lose her job and still be able to take care of my little brothers and sisters. Right after I signed they gave me five minutes with my son then took him from me. He will be four this year, and I’ve only seen him three times since he has been born – no pictures, no birthdays, no holidays, or anything else for that matter. It hurts me every day and I miss him so much.

Just needed someone to talk to.