How to fake drink when secretly pregnant

Since there will be no more babies in this belly, I am passing on all of my tips to keeping a pregnancy secret for as long as possible, particularly during tricky happy hours with co-workers or dinners with friends.

During my first pregnancy, when I was hyper-sensitive about being outed before I was ready, I masterminded all kinds of ways to fake drink during social events with co-workers and friends. My favorite story, which perfectly illustrates my level of paranoia, was when I was meeting up with some friends at a restaurant in Tremont that I had been looking forward to trying, Ty Fun.

When I arrived, I realized in a panic that one of my best tricks up till that time (tip #3: pay off the bartender) was dead in the water. If you haven’t been to Ty Fun, it’s one giant room and my friends had already been seated with a clear view of me when I walked in. What to do?!!! I said hello, left my coat on my chair and said I needed to visit the ladies’ room.

From my bathroom stall, I Googled the restaurant’s phone number, called them up and asked if whoever was assigned as our server would bring me an alcohol-free version of whatever drink I asked for. The ridiculous, yet effective, convo went something like this.

Restaurant: “So what table are you at?”

Me: “My three friends are seated in the back. I have red hair.”

Restaurant: “I don’t see you.”

Me: “I know. I’m calling you from the bathroom.”

Restaurant: “Why are you calling from the bathroom?”

Me: “Because I don’t want my friends to know I’m pregnant so I can’t actually order a non-alcoholic drink. Can you please help me?!”

Restaurant: “Uh, okay.”

Of course all of my friends were drinking red wine, which is hard to fake (I have faked white before though), so I ordered the house mixed drink special…WHICH CAME OUT WITH A GIANT PINEAPPLY FRUIT ACCOUTREMENT. I don’t know how I didn’t get outed right then and there because it looked so ridiculous, but I made it!

So, without further adieu, here are my top five tips:

1. Be selective with outings – yes, it sucks to be a homebody before you even birth your little ball and chain…errr bundle of joy, but pick your battles.

2. Arrive with a co-conspirator – if you can, find a friend you can trust who can be your wingman in case your plan goes to hell.

3. Go early – if you’re on your own, get there first so you can order a non-alcoholic drink that looks legit.

4. Make friends/pay off your server/bartender – briefly explain your situation and ask them to not make a big deal about bringing you your fake drink. Tip big.

5. White wine or mixed drinks are the easiest to fake – if a friend wants to try yours, say you’re worried you’re getting sick.

BONUS: If you’re put on the spot, order a drink, take a sip and then fake a headache. Someone did this to me, and it totally fooled me.

What has worked for you guys? Any massive fails?

 

A version of this post was originally published on Postcards from Christina.

About author View all posts

Christina Klenotic

Christina Klenotic believes that you can be nice and successful in your career (screw mean people). She also doesn’t believe in having more kids than arms since she’s frequently toting both of her toddlers around Cleveland’s neighborhoods. Or, biking with them both on her mamacycle (baby seat in the front, tandem in the back).

8 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Great ideas! I’m 36 weeks and used a great tip from my sister for house parties in the beginning . Brought my own ‘open’ bottle of wine in a real wine bottle but filled with that Fre non alcoholic wine. Made as a spritzer and fooled everyone! 🙂

  • Ha I love this! At a family wedding before anyone knew, I carried around the same bottle of beer all night and had my husband take sips from it to show “progress.” My parents asked about it later and were so annoyed they were fooled! We also did this trick at a friend’s house AND told them I was driving, which got me off the hook.

  • Made jello shots — that we really just jello!
    Dumped my beer in a bottle or can and filled with water.
    Amy pop with a lime and swizzle stick looks legit!

    I also agree in the man-on-man, not zone, defense, so I never need to use these again. 🙂

  • Or you could just have a glass of red wine every once in a while since there’s nothing wrong with moderate drinking while pregnant.

    I didn’t drink with my first, because I was so anal about everything, but had the occasional pinot noir with numbers 2-4 with no problems. My doctor assured me it’s totally fine to have up to 5oz at a time, 2-3 times per week.

    Although, I never had a reason to hide my pregnancy from anyone, especially my friends, so maybe I’m missing the point, lol.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *