Buzzfeed quizzes have proven time and time again that they are the absolute best method of procrastination. From putting off math homework so I can learn what kind of dog matches my personality, to going to sleep an hour later than planned because I was busy letting a quiz determine my strongest personality trait; Buzzfeed never fails to tell me everything I never knew about myself.
Knowing all this, I saw absolutely nothing wrong with putting my future in the hands of the Buzzfeed Quiz Gods. I mean, considering Buzzfeed has never been wrong before (they guessed my zodiac sign and best friends name from the titles of my favorite Disney movies), I was confident whatever the quizzes told me would simply be meant to be. Not to mention the future they create will probably be better than where I’m actually headed in life.
Answer: Duke University
Reflection: Okay, okay, I think my life is off to a pretty solid start if I do say so myself. I mean if we are thinking reasonably, there is no way I could get into Duke University. I’d have to sell my soul to satan to afford it. So in order to make this Buzzfeed dream a reality we have two options.
Plan A– I suddenly wake up 4 feet taller and teach myself to dunk, thus scoring a basketball scholarship.
Plan B– I stalk the Dean of the university and catch them doing something super not allowed (scandalous affair anyone?). I then use this information to blackmail them into providing me with a top notch education and a life-long supply of chicken nuggets.
I’m leaning towards Plan B since it seems like the more realistic of the two. Plus chicken nuggets would be a nice addition to my future life.
Reflection: Um, okay? If I’m being straight up, I don’t know the first thing about space. In elementary school we went on a field trip to this place with stars on the ceiling and I was the only kid who didn’t know which constellation was the Little Dipper. I just pretended like I did to save my third grade ego. I was one of the only kids to pass their subtraction timed test on the first try, there’s no way I was about to let my intelligence be dismissed by some stupid fake stars. Long story short, once they shoot me into space, I might not come back down.
Answer: Cape Town, South Africa
Reflection: Not going to lie to you, I had to Google where the frick frack Cape Town was because my uncultured butt had no clue. After learning it was in South Africa I was kinda confused as to how I even got over there. Did I swim? Use a paddle boat? Is that where I landed after falling out of my spaceship? Because heaven knows I don’t have enough cash from this astronaut gig to afford a flight over there.
Reflection: First of all… Ouch. Second of all… double ouch. Now I know being in space for months on end might be a small obstacle in a relationship, but tons of people pull off long distance, so I don’t really see the issue. Plus, by the time I’m ready to put a ring on it there will definitely be WIFI on the moon so Facetime is always an option. Not to mention, I will be a Duke graduate and have a sweet crib in Cape Town. C’mon now Buzzfeed, I’m a serious catch.
Answer: 6 Kids
Reflection: Alright where are these kids coming from because last time I checked… I’m all alone. Now, maybe a stork dropped them on my porch or something like my parents told me when I was little, but usually they just drop off a singular child… not half a dozen. My house must’ve been the last stop on the baby train and they just gave the rest of them to me cause here I am with 6 kiddos. No worries however, I’ll just slap some sunscreen on them and send them off to play in the Cape. Motherhood here I come.
Answer: Smothered by Kittens
Reflection: If this is the way I’m going out, then Jesus take the wheel because I will willingly be smothered by kittens any day. Is that even considered dying? If you ask me, it’s like skipping the dying part and going straight to heaven.
Buzzfeed Gods, you have continued to outdo yourselves. Here I am with a degree from Duke University, 6 children who defied the laws of nature with their existence, a crib in Cape Town for these children to run around in, and a cute spacesuit with my name on it. Plus, to top it all off, I’m facing death by kittens.
Yep, I’ll take this existence any day. #ThanksBuzzfeed