Editorial note: This post contains adult themes and language.
Ahhhh!!! Another night sitting on my couch pondering about what I’m actually getting into…I don’t love him, I mean, I have love for him, but I’m not in love with him. He is my friend! He is married.
For years we have been friends and now, now what?!! I’m becoming his lover? I don’t like that. I am very torn. On the one hand is great to be wanted, but I wonder how much does he actually want me as opposed to just being someone he fucks because he is horny.
I have never asked about his problems with his wife, maybe I should… No, maybe not, I don’t want to know. It feels as if he just wants me for sex. Married or not, I am not sure that is even ok. I mean, really? I am a grown ass woman. I’m thirty years old!!!
But yet I continue to talk to him and see him under the guise of “Let’s have a drink,” or “Let’s hang out” but why?!!! I’m only prolonging something that has no future. He told me the other day that my attitude has to change, “la cambias bien rapidito.”
He is married, and I know he would never be with me for real. I often wonder what he thinks or what he feels yet I stop myself because I know I should only care about what I feel and what I think. But yet, yet, yet I question everything. Is it possible that he only likes me as somebody he can fuck whenever? I mean he did say, “Next time I ask if I can come over, I don’t want this bullshit of ‘Sure.’ I want you to say, Yes!!! come fuck the shit of me, whenever you are horny, you need to tell me, come! Come now!! and fuck the shit out of me!!!”
My answer “I don’t know you that way yet, I feel embarrassed, we are not there yet.” Maybe I need to learn to be more whorish, maybe I’m lacking in that department. I have done it with my boyfriends, but he is not my boyfriend, and I don’t know how to behave.
Because he is married, I know I am not the only one or would ever be the only one. Why do I keep on thinking that feelings matter more than sex? That the best sex comes with feelings attached? Am I old fashioned and weird? Do I secretly hope he will feel this way toward me someday? What am I doing? I am playing with fire, and I am going to get burned. Oh god!
But then, why does he ask me about what car to get and whether he looks good in his clothes or not, and whether I like them or not? Does he want to feel taken care of? I know damn well that I have taken care of my boyfriends, but why am I so hesitant to take care of him? Am I afraid to take care of him and have this be just an adventure?
Ahhhhhh no se, no se, I hope he doesn’t call me tomorrow.
But secretly, I do hope he does, but then I don’t. I don’t want this to go on. Like he said, I don’t have it in me, I can’t handle it. Oh god! He sends me as many mixed signals as I do him. But then again, he hasn’t texted me since this evening and if he really thought about me, he would make an effort.
I can’t text him, I am not allowed. He has a wife and a family. I can’t jeopardize that and don’t want to get him in trouble. Yet here I am thinking about a man that is never going to be for me. I need to stop, I need to stop despite his claims about why I am not caring enough.
Maybe we should talk about this. But no, I don’t want it to get complicated. Maybe because I care. Maybe I don’t want to admit that to myself, because then maybe it becomes real, and I am afraid it would only lead to pain. Maybe this all, is just a game, I haven’t learned how to play yet. And then again, as he is more experienced than I am, he knows damn well that I don’t have it in me.
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