A Complicated Affair

a rose and lights

Editorial note: This post contains adult themes and language. 

Ahhhh!!! Another night sitting on my couch pondering about what I’m actually getting into…I don’t love him, I mean, I have love for him, but I’m not in love with him. He is my friend! He is married.

For years we have been friends and now, now what?!! I’m becoming his lover? I don’t like that. I am very torn. On the one hand is great to be wanted, but I wonder how much does he actually want me as opposed to just being someone he fucks because he is horny.

I have never asked about his problems with his wife, maybe I should… No, maybe not, I don’t want to know. It feels as if he just wants me for sex. Married or not, I am not sure that is even ok. I mean, really? I am a grown ass woman. I’m thirty years old!!!

But yet I continue to talk to him and see him under the guise of “Let’s have a drink,” or “Let’s hang out” but why?!!! I’m only prolonging something that has no future. He told me the other day that my attitude has to change, “la cambias bien rapidito.”

He is married, and I know he would never be with me for real. I often wonder what he thinks or what he feels yet I stop myself because I know I should only care about what I feel and what I think. But yet, yet, yet I question everything. Is it possible that he only likes me as somebody he can fuck whenever? I mean he did say, “Next time I ask if I can come over, I don’t want this bullshit of ‘Sure.’ I want you to say, Yes!!! come fuck the shit of me, whenever you are horny, you need to tell me, come! Come now!! and fuck the shit out of me!!!”

My answer “I don’t know you that way yet, I feel embarrassed, we are not there yet.” Maybe I need to learn to be more whorish, maybe I’m lacking in that department. I have done it with my boyfriends, but he is not my boyfriend, and I don’t know how to behave.

Because he is married, I know I am not the only one or would ever be the only one. Why do I keep on thinking that feelings matter more than sex? That the best sex comes with feelings attached? Am I old fashioned and weird? Do I secretly hope he will feel this way toward me someday? What am I doing? I am playing with fire, and I am going to get burned. Oh god!

But then, why does he ask me about what car to get and whether he looks good in his clothes or not, and whether I like them or not? Does he want to feel taken care of? I know damn well that I have taken care of my boyfriends, but why am I so hesitant to take care of him?  Am I afraid to take care of him and have this be just an adventure?

Ahhhhhh no se, no se, I hope he doesn’t call me tomorrow.

But secretly, I do hope he does, but then I don’t. I don’t want this to go on. Like he said, I don’t have it in me, I can’t handle it. Oh god! He sends me as many mixed signals as I do him. But then again, he hasn’t texted me since this evening and if he really thought about me, he would make an effort.

I can’t text him, I am not allowed. He has a wife and a family. I can’t jeopardize that and don’t want to get him in trouble. Yet here I am thinking about a man that is never going to be for me. I need to stop, I need to stop despite his claims about why I am not caring enough.

Maybe we should talk about this. But no, I don’t want it to get complicated. Maybe because I care. Maybe I don’t want to admit that to myself, because then maybe it becomes real, and I am afraid it would only lead to pain. Maybe this all, is just a game, I haven’t learned how to play yet. And then again, as he is more experienced than I am, he knows damn well that I don’t have it in me.

“She Speaks” is an anonymous blog series that allows women to share their stories without revealing their identity. It is designed to make sure that all women’s voices are being heard and is not a forum for passive aggressive bullying or anonymous bashing, of a person, group or company. If you want to submit a post to She Speaks, visit http://www.sheinthecle.com/she-speaks/. 

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SHEnonymous

I give a voice to the women who are concerned about sharing their story publicly. My mission is to give a voice to the women who want to start conversations, but who are concerned with sharing their identity, for one reason or another. My posts don’t reveal personal details that can identify particular people nor do I promote bullying or bashing others. I am designed to give women who can’t share their names an equal voice in the important conversations we are having at She In The CLE. Want me to share your story? Submit a post at shespeaks.inthecle@gmail.com.

6 CommentsLeave a comment

  • Thank you to the author for sharing her story.

    I have so many complicated feelings about this post. On one hand, she doesn’t owe anyone an explanation- she’s not the one who is married.

    On the other hand, there is the problematic issue that she is in a relationship with someone who can never make her priority, and there seems to be an underlying theme of power – his power over her.

    She’s not allowed to text him, he wants her to respond a certain way, his comments about her attitude, he knows she’s uncomfortable with this arrangement (“he knows I don’t have it in me”) and yet he continues to push her into it. Yes she’s an adult woman in a consensual relationship, but there is a sense of emotional manipulation, at least in this telling of the story.

    I can sense her own conflict – I hope she makes the decisions that are healthy for her, even if that means walking away from this friendship.

  • I have to chime in with thanking the author for sharing her story. No matter where you sit on this position, inevitably women receive the brunt of slut shaming online and off by women and men. Knowing that and still sharing your story is quite brave.

  • End this now. He is using you to feed his ego. Deep down you know this isn’t the right relationship because you admit to confusion and mixed emotions. I could write paragraphs about my thoughts on women needing to do a better job of respecting other women, starting with not sleeping with another woman’s husband…but I won’t. No matter the details of his marriage, he is dishonest. Do you really want to be in a relationship with someone you can’t trust? Save yourself the misery.

  • I have been there. I know what you are feeling. The rules will always be his. You are conflicted and I understand what that is like. You will never be a priority even though the sex feels great.
    As hard as it is, run, don’t walk before the pain is too great. You deserve better.

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