Yet another night waiting for him to text me and nothing. Tonight, I did not go to work. Granted, I have fractured ribs, but deep down I was hoping for him to want to do something with me. He told me he had dinner plans, but that he would let me know later. I decided to go out with friends in order not to wait around.
Hell! If I had not gone out, I would still be waiting!!
I am worried about him and his cholesterol being high. This afternoon, I went and got him this supplement that helps lower cholesterol. Maybe I will take it to his office next week. What I feel so torn about are my feelings of not wanting to do this, that I am not this person and yet, yet I care for him.
Maybe I am just lonely, and I am holding onto this for some reason. One day he cares, the next he doesn’t. He is married, so in reality, he is never going to fully and truly care. To him, I am just another fuck. Maybe I should just leave this alone, and if he wants to see me he needs to let me know. I don’t think he wants this to go on. I think he’s caught up in these feelings he does not know what to do with.
I think about that day in his office when he reached over his desk to hold my hand while he was on the phone. It was a gesture that made us both aware of what was happening. What he doesn’t know is that it was as equally scary for me to have him do that. I mean, it was such an intimate gesture that caught me off guard, and I think he caught himself off guard too.
Anyway, whatever it is, I am sick of these rules and regulations of when I should text and when I should not. Timing and carefulness, only seeing other clandestinely…it’s not what I want, not what I deserve, and yet I care about him. I can tell he is not happy and somehow deep inside I want to reach out and help him. I have to understand that this is not my problem even though he is my friend.
His unhappy marriage is not my problem or mine to fix. I feel that I am done. It was good while it lasted, but tonight, tonight I see that I don’t have it in me. Why would I freely torture myself with a man that is not free and doesn’t even show me that he cares?
I am done. I am the free and single one. I can be with someone free and single too that would dedicate himself to our relationship and not a part time person, or should I say a quarter time person. But on the other hand, I feel that I have just lost my friend.
Read the first post in this series, A Complicated Affair.